Scientists Baffled by Draghi and Juncker’s Ability to Stand Upright

Scientists Baffled by Draghi and Juncker’s Ability to Stand Upright Without Spines

(Adapted from: The Borowitz Report)

2011 file photo of European Central Bank president Mario Draghi with then Luxembourg Prime Minister and Eurogroup president Jean-Claude Juncker
Photo: AFP/GEORGES GOBET

BRUSSELS —Calling it a “medical mystery of the first order,” scientists are baffled by the ability of European Central Bank President Mario Draghi and EU Commission's president, Jean-Claude Juncker, to stand upright without the benefit of spines.

Doctors at the University of Utrecht Medical School, who have been studying the skeletal structures of both men for months, believe that their ability to stand, walk, and even break into a brisk trot when confronted by reporters’ questions is “virtually inexplicable.”

“The fact that they can do these things without the aid of spines makes Draghi and Juncker anomalies in the animal kingdom,” said Dr. Davis Logsdon. “According to everything medical science teaches us, their bodies should be collapsing to the ground in two heaps.”

As the Utrecht scientists have struggled to solve the medical conundrum presented by the two invertebrate leaders, one theory that has gained traction is what Logsdon calls “the startled-deer hypothesis.”

“Just as a deer freezes in the headlights of a car and briefly appears statue-like, we believe that Draghi and Juncker’s bodies may retain their rigid structure out of terror alone,” he said. “In other words, fear is performing the function that a spine performs in other people.”

Calling it “just a theory,” Logsdon said that the anatomies of Draghi and Juncker require further study, and that there was growing public support for both men to be dissected.